I’m going to preface this by saying I’m probably being paranoid. But that’s how I do. I’m a worrier.
So, things with Bluehawk have been good lately. So good, in fact, that I’m starting to get edgy about our future. We’ve been together for two years, and I’m ready to settle down. I want to get engaged, get married, buy a house…put down my roots for good.
The other day, we were talking about real estate, because a major company has just announced a significant investment in the area and I brought up that it would be a good time to get into a house before property values increase. The city we live in is the city he grew up in (it’s a decent sized city though). His parents (to whom he is close) are here. Both of our jobs are here (I’m significantly more attached to my job than he is his, but he’s been there for over a year). This city isn’t Ann Arbor, but I like it. I’ve found a doctor and a dentist. I have favorite bars and restaurants. It would be a good place to settle down.
We’re not on amazing financial footing (gotta love those student loans!), so I said that it’s too bad that we’re not really in the best position to get a house. He surprised me by saying that he thinks we’d be able to, actually, but that he doesn’t want to. He mentioned that his job isn’t something he really wants to do forever and wants to find a “real job”, which I totally get. But then he said that he doesn’t even know if he wants to stay here for the long run. And that floored me.
I don’t want to move, y’all. I want to stay here. If I go anywhere, I want to go back to Michigan, to Ann Arbor, where my family and friends are. But I don’t even really want to do that. I want to stay where my job that I love is. If I moved, I’d have to start all over professionally. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to set myself back. But just as much of that is that I’m done. I’ve lived in Michigan, I’ve lived in Alabama, I’ve lived here. I don’t want to pick up and move again. And when I talk about that with him, I’m worried. I’m worried that he’s going to say that he doesn’t want to be locked down to here. I’m worried that this is going to be a breaking point for us. As awful as my time at the law firm was, I’ve always said that one of the best things that came out of it was learning the difference between what is a hill to die on, and what’s not. I’m pretty sure this is a hill to die on for me. I’m just scared I might die here.
And that goes for non-romantic relationships. This can be true of platonic friendships, familial relationships, etc.